Jokes
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.
"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"
"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."
A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease.
"Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"
"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"
"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"
"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"
"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"
"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?", she says, "What makes them so special?"
"They're in three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course", says the man proudly.
The wife responds ruefully, "Why don't you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change!".
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering mid-term. The answer was so profound that the professor shared it with his colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing over time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate that they are leaving. I think that it is safe to assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since no one belongs to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and volume of Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a faster rate than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my freshman year, that "it will be a cold day in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

This student received the only "A" given."
1. Why did God create woman?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

2. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow

3. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Phone her.

4. Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.

5. What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

6. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

7. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak [whole week..!]

8. How many male sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

9. Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator..

10. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

11. How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.

12. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

13. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

14. How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

15. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.

16. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.

17. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

18. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

19. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Dr. Watson was very much concerned about Sherlok Holmes smoking his pipe too much... and someone gave him an advise to put the pipe to his asshole every day, so that sherlok holmes would find the smell and taste of the pipe disgusting, and hopefully would stop smoking.
In a month... Sherlok Holmes smoked as much as he used to... but Dr. Watson could not do without the pipe any more....
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits, too."
Two jews are arguing:
- White IS a colour!
- No, it is not!
- Yes, I am telling you it is a colour!
- No, no way, it isn't!
- Ok, let's go and ask a rabbi.
So they go and ask a rabbi. rabbi says to them, after consulting tora, that yes, tora says white is a colour.
Out they go. the second one:
- Ok then; even if white is a colour, black is certainly not.
- Oh yes, black is a colour too.
- No way, black is not a colour!...
- Yes it is, let's go and ask the rabbi again.
Rabbi consults tora again and says to them that yes, black is a colour too.
out they go. the first one:
- See?.. I did have sold you a colour tv!
A doctor is instructing the troop of soldiers before attacking an island.
- Take care while in water - there are sharks and poisonous jellyfish. Take care while on the island - don't step onto poisonous snake or spider. Don't eat berries and other fruits - they can be poisonous too. Don't drink from any springs - you can catch typhus or yellow fever. Also watch out for prey animals. Any questions?
- Yes sir. Why the hell do we need an island like that?
What is artificial intelligence?
- Blond girl coloured into dark.
A lady comes to a doctor and says: doctor, I am so irritable, anything is annoying me - can you help? He says, well, it is known that reading is very helping, have you tried that? She says, yes, I have, and no, it does not work, all the letters are different, this is so annoying! He says then, well, what about music? She says, no, this does not work either, all the sounds are different, this is so annoying! Ok, he asks, have you tried sex? She says, no I haven't. ok, he says, undress and lay down. So she does, and so does he. But as he is just about to start, she says: Only, doctor, you have to decide now: either only ups, or only downs. because all these up-and-downs are so annoying!
A guy says to his friend:
- Look, there will be an awesome concert tomorrow - rostropovich, best pianist in the world. let's go?
- No, I can't. tomorrow spillman is playing too.
In about two weeks; the same guys:
- Listen, this friday a kirov ballet is coming to perform here, I have two tickets... let's go?
- No, I can't. on friday spillman is playing again.
- But, but!... Who the hell is spillman?
- I have no idea - never saw or heard him. but when he is playing I am having fun with his wife.